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Will I Ever Believe In Promises? May 31, 2009

Posted by ugottalaugh in Life, Love, Relationships, Thoughts, blogging.
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I must’ve been very young when I stopped believing in promises, because I don’t ever remember believing in them. The ironic thing is, promises mean a lot to me. And I think that when I say ‘promises,’ I’m also speaking about commitment. They’re basically the same thing, right? I believe that if someone is going to promise (commit) to something, they should honor that promise. But it rarely happens.

People close to me have always broken their promises. Always. That’s why I have this dream, that someday, someone, will keep their promise. That they will respect and love me  enough to do that. I’m not sure that day will ever come, though. I keep my promises to other people, and I just don’t know why I can’t get the same respect in return. Why is that, do you think?

Broken promises hurt. This past week, I’ve been dealing with a very deep hurt. A broken promise. I feel very betrayed, lied to, taken advantage of. Every time I think about it, my entire being aches with pain. I haven’t felt this deep of a pain in a very long time. On the inside, I am feeling very insecure and raw. On the outside, though, I am able to maintain my positive and cheerful attitude. I am able to act as if nothing is wrong. It hasn’t been easy, and I don’t know why I do it. I thought that this person was the one person who wouldn’t betray me. I wanted to believe; maybe I even did. Maybe that’s why it hurts so badly.

As I deal with yet another broken promise made to me, I wonder if I will ever believe. And that makes me sad. Because I want to believe. I want to believe in people; I want to trust people. I want to let people get close to me, know me, and not worry that I’ll get hurt.

How does one believe again? I am trying so hard to keep my heart open, to not let anger, fear and resentment take over my soul. I visualize love flowing through my being, filling me up, pushing away the pain. But when I am idle, like now, it’s a losing battle.

The Doggie Inn February 5, 2009

Posted by ugottalaugh in Animal Adoption, Animals & Pets, Fostering Animals, Love, Messages, Thoughts, blogging.
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It’s been two and a half weeks since I did my last post. (Sounds like a confession, doesn’t it?)

My last post was about fostering a dog that I’d really grown to love. Well, she has since been adopted out to a great, loving family and I’ve been told she’s very happy. Yay! I realized that no matter how badly I wanted to keep her, I just couldn’t give her everything that she needed. I’m okay with that. :)

Since then, we have fostered two more dogs. An adorable little puppy and, currently, a black lab mix. The puppy definitely brought more life into our home, I tell ya! Not to mention mess: pee puddles, doggie toys and shredded ankles and wrists. He was quite the guy! I knew he would get adopted quickly, due to being so cute and cuddly.

Baby Girl, the lab that we currently foster has been with us for almost two weeks. I’m praying that she will go to the right home, because it’s taken us this long just to help her be comfortable and learn to trust again a little bit. I am attached to her, I admit. It’s just so hard not to be. When we first got her, it was an incredible effort just to get her to stand up because she was so full of fear. Playful? No way. Affectionate? Oh yes… sooo incredibly affectionate. To get her outside into our yard, and back inside the house, we had to carry her. It wasn’t that she wasn’t capable of walking. She just was too afraid to.

I’m thrilled to say that now that she’s been with us for these two weeks, she is starting to play a little, lets us know when she wants to go outside, she comes in on her own, and she even gives kisses. :) That may not sound like much, but it really is. She went from being a terrified dog who dropped to the floor instantly, to a dog who instantly stands up and wags her tail when she sees her leash. Yay!!

Letting her go will be hard, but I know it has to be done. Not for just my benefit, but for hers. I’m beginning to understand why my boss does this everyday, why she can’t say no to a newly rescued dog, and why it is so hard for her to let them go. She cares. And now I care. :)

The Cat Lady Wants A Dog January 18, 2009

Posted by ugottalaugh in Adventure, Animals & Pets, Thoughts, blogging.
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Yes, you read that right. No one can believe it, myself included. Me? With a dog?

One of my bosses rescues dogs. She then finds loving and caring homes to adopt them to. Dogs come in and go out her door every single day. LOTS of dogs. I give them attention when I’m able to, because well, it’s hard not to. So many of them have been abused, abandoned, or just completely neglected. It’s very sad, on hard on the spirit to see this. I don’t know how my boss does it, and I commend her loving, giving, generous spirit!

Well, one day not too long ago, she had a dog brought to her, after being found at the dump. At first glance, I thought, “what a sad looking dog.” She was unkempt, dirty, and very, very scared. I really didn’t think much about her as I continued working, but later on, as I was able to be in the same room with her more, I caught myself looking at her. Again and again. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t long before the dog started coming to me for affection. Even as scared as she was, she was just begging for love. As the days went by, I would give her lots of love every time I saw her at work. As I began to work more hours, I also began to… you guessed it. Grow attached to the dog. I began to really look forward to going to work, just to visit with her! I didn’t realize how attached I was to her until I had a day off work. I missed her.

It hasn’t really taken all that long for both of us to become attached to each other. Two weeks, maybe. Let me tell you, I am not a dog person. I am a cat person. I like dogs, but I’ve never wanted one of my own. Until now. I was able to convice my boss to let me take this little doggie home with me for a while. To help socialize her more; to get her outside for a while; to introduce her to my son and bf. hehehehe She took to my son instantly. As for my bf, that took a little coaxing, but the dog did start taking to him.

Today, I’ve brought her home again with me. She won’t leave my side and watches my every move. I feel such an unusual attachment with her. I want to give her all the love that she’s craving. That she so deserves. The thing is, my bf doesn’t want a dog. Yet, he says. When “yet” will end, I have no idea. But I know one thing, I’m not giving up on this dog. She’s not the most beautiful dog you’ve ever seen, and she really doesn’t smell the best, despite having a bath, but there’s just something about her. Maybe it’s because I feel that she didn’t ask to be treated the way she has been, and she deserves to be treated so much better. And I know that I can give her that. I want to give her that.

Time will tell on what happens. I’ll be talking with my bf more about her. And bringing her home to visit more. I’ll keep you updated. I wonder… can the cat lady turn into a dog lady? :)

Have I come full circle? November 18, 2008

Posted by ugottalaugh in Life, Love, Messages, Relationships, Thoughts, Work, blogging, boyfriend, family.
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I’ve been wondering this lately. So many things are coming back around again, in my life.

Let’s go back in time, oh say, about 15 years:

I was deeply in love with a man (my son’s father).
My mother was not happy at all about the man I loved so much, and she told me so. Jealousy? I don’t know.
I worked at a local motel as a desk clerk. I quit in ‘97, due to problems I was having.
I loved my life.

Coming back to the present:

I am deeply in love with a man who happens to have much of the same qualities my son’s father did. No, that isn’t what made me fall in love with him, but I can’t be blind to the similarities between them.
My mother is not happy at all about me loving this man, though it was she who suggested we first date. Jealousy? I don’t know.
Last week, in desperate need of a job, I applied at the very same motel I used to work at.
I love my life.

On the day I was re-hired at the motel, I thought to myself… oh my, have I come full circle? Have I lived all these years to re-live them again?! When I showed up for work the next day, my boss said to me, “Hey, you’ve come full circle, haven’t you!” I got chills when he said that!

So I’m wondering… why is this happening, and what am I to learn from it? Years ago, I ended up losing my son’s father. It broke my heart when he died. In all these years, I have never opened my heart again to a man like I did back then. Until now. And subconsciously, I have a fear of now losing my current boyfriend. They say history repeats itself. But I don’t want my history to repeat itself. I can handle losing my job. I can handle my mother being unhappy with me being happy. I can’t handle losing my boyfriend. I mean, don’t get me wrong… if we broke up, I know that I would survive. If I lost him to death… that’s the part that would hurt me so. You’d think, being a medium, I would have a different outlook on death. But I am also human. I fear loss. I fear losing a love that has changed my life and made me a better person.

Maybe this is my ’second chance.’ My second try to make things right. With work. With my mother. With my boyfriend. Maybe I need to start saying the things that I didn’t say before. Maybe I need to start doing the things I didn’t do before. I don’t know, to be honest.

Dear Diary: I’d like a new family, please. September 23, 2008

Posted by ugottalaugh in Dear Diary, Life, Messages, Relationships, Thoughts, blogging, family, spiritual.
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Dear Diary,

What does a person do when they don’t get along with members of their own family?

I have two family members with whom I’d rather hide from, than spend time with. My mother and a brother. Is that sad? Is that normal? I haven’t spoken to my mother in a couple of months. I haven’t seen my brother all summer, though I’ve spoken to him a few times – reluctantly. Today, he is returning home from his summer-long job. I am not pleased that he is returning, nor am I pleased with myself for feeling this way.

Now that my brother will be home, and living only a few houses away from me (with my mother), he will start pressuring me (again) to speak to/visit my mother. It’s hard enough for me to even allow my brother into my home, let alone listen to his lectures.

I feel that I’m a very good, fair, caring, loving person. BUT. Where, and when, does a person draw the line? And because it’s family, is it bad when there’s a line drawn? I am not good around people with negative energy, or negative attitudes, and this is just one of the reasons I prefer to run and hide from my mother and brother. They are extremely draining, which I don’t like.

What does one do in this situation? I have, indeed, spoken with both of them and they do know how I feel. Both are oblivious to my discomfort, not to mention my feelings. Yet they still keep trying to talk with me. I don’t get it. How many times do I need to say “leave me alone,” for them to actually leave me alone?

I’ve tried and tried to see the lesson here, to see what it is I’m to learn, but I just don’t see it. Turning the other cheek is not it, believe me. Ah well, maybe time will tell and it’ll all come to me in some wonderous, light-filled moment of awareness. At least, that’s what I pray for.

For now, my brother will be showing up here at my house soon (I feel it). So, I am off to find some Sage. he he he Thanks for hearing me out and listening to my rant! ;)