I’ve been wondering this lately. So many things are coming back around again, in my life.

Let’s go back in time, oh say, about 15 years:

I was deeply in love with a man (my son’s father).
My mother was not happy at all about the man I loved so much, and she told me so. Jealousy? I don’t know.
I worked at a local motel as a desk clerk. I quit in ‘97, due to problems I was having.
I loved my life.

Coming back to the present:

I am deeply in love with a man who happens to have much of the same qualities my son’s father did. No, that isn’t what made me fall in love with him, but I can’t be blind to the similarities between them.
My mother is not happy at all about me loving this man, though it was she who suggested we first date. Jealousy? I don’t know.
Last week, in desperate need of a job, I applied at the very same motel I used to work at.
I love my life.

On the day I was re-hired at the motel, I thought to myself… oh my, have I come full circle? Have I lived all these years to re-live them again?! When I showed up for work the next day, my boss said to me, “Hey, you’ve come full circle, haven’t you!” I got chills when he said that!

So I’m wondering… why is this happening, and what am I to learn from it? Years ago, I ended up losing my son’s father. It broke my heart when he died. In all these years, I have never opened my heart again to a man like I did back then. Until now. And subconsciously, I have a fear of now losing my current boyfriend. They say history repeats itself. But I don’t want my history to repeat itself. I can handle losing my job. I can handle my mother being unhappy with me being happy. I can’t handle losing my boyfriend. I mean, don’t get me wrong… if we broke up, I know that I would survive. If I lost him to death… that’s the part that would hurt me so. You’d think, being a medium, I would have a different outlook on death. But I am also human. I fear loss. I fear losing a love that has changed my life and made me a better person.

Maybe this is my ’second chance.’ My second try to make things right. With work. With my mother. With my boyfriend. Maybe I need to start saying the things that I didn’t say before. Maybe I need to start doing the things I didn’t do before. I don’t know, to be honest.