I must’ve been very young when I stopped believing in promises, because I don’t ever remember believing in them. The ironic thing is, promises mean a lot to me. And I think that when I say ‘promises,’ I’m also speaking about commitment. They’re basically the same thing, right? I believe that if someone is going to promise (commit) to something, they should honor that promise. But it rarely happens.

People close to me have always broken their promises. Always. That’s why I have this dream, that someday, someone, will keep their promise. That they will respect and love me  enough to do that. I’m not sure that day will ever come, though. I keep my promises to other people, and I just don’t know why I can’t get the same respect in return. Why is that, do you think?

Broken promises hurt. This past week, I’ve been dealing with a very deep hurt. A broken promise. I feel very betrayed, lied to, taken advantage of. Every time I think about it, my entire being aches with pain. I haven’t felt this deep of a pain in a very long time. On the inside, I am feeling very insecure and raw. On the outside, though, I am able to maintain my positive and cheerful attitude. I am able to act as if nothing is wrong. It hasn’t been easy, and I don’t know why I do it. I thought that this person was the one person who wouldn’t betray me. I wanted to believe; maybe I even did. Maybe that’s why it hurts so badly.

As I deal with yet another broken promise made to me, I wonder if I will ever believe. And that makes me sad. Because I want to believe. I want to believe in people; I want to trust people. I want to let people get close to me, know me, and not worry that I’ll get hurt.

How does one believe again? I am trying so hard to keep my heart open, to not let anger, fear and resentment take over my soul. I visualize love flowing through my being, filling me up, pushing away the pain. But when I am idle, like now, it’s a losing battle.